Robert Rosell's Blog - Robert Rosell

Dementia - Death by Subtraction

6/3/2012

I've been thinking about dementia lately. My focus on what most of us quite naturally would prefer to ignore is in part due to a thoughtful article in TIME by Joe Klein on the subject. There has also been news lately of a potential therapeutic breakthrough. But mostly, I think about this because my mom is in the late stages of the disease.

It occurs to me that dementia is a process of death by subtraction. We lose stuff that's important to us - memories, for example, and language, and mobility, and awareness of who our friends are, and then of who our children are, and finally of who we are. It's mostly a slow process, though there are times when abilities or memories disappear overnight.

At the end of it all, before death arrives but once most everything else has gone, those observing the process are left wondering - who is this person? Without our memories, our ability to speak, and perhaps (though this is hard to determine) our thoughts, who are we? Our eyes may still shine brightly, we may smile, enjoy something to eat, hold a hand, but who are we?

2 Comments

Kevin Wells

12/22/2014 05:50:12 pm

Hello, I see the process as you describe it. I went though this a total of three times actually. The first time in absentia of my grandfather, as I was an adoptee and did know about him until the later stages of Parkinsons Disease when I found out my true mother. The broad description is still dementia. Then later, at about 20 or so, my step-father who had bad circulation, suffered at least two strokes - officially the second was a heart attack. By that time he held on to what he could, but he was not the same person. The last time I had real family contact was my real mother, who I met later in life. Although she should have known the signs, she developed breast cancer and died from it at a young age. Before the end she had many hallucinations (from therapy) that were more humorous ( if one can say such a thing when your most cherished one is dying ) than upsetting. I only mention this because she forgave everyone involved in her life, her sisters, brothers, and mothers, rather than take it to her own grave. She made up a lot of humorous stories, most of which I prefer to believe are true today!!!

I must say this to your post. Every moment is precious. My mom watched her grand daughter play cello at Disneyland, in a concert scheduled there. She saw her grandson, my son, on her dying bed. She held me, as I held her, 10 days before it actually happened - and I hate myself for not being there when it finally did.

Still, I' sorry for the distraction to your blog/post, the responses are likely to be very personal here, however I need to tell you, for my part, that if dementia sets in with your loved one, find the things you can relate to together. Or go with the flow. Just remember, it's a process for them. Not anything more than that. It's sad to witness, but most likely they deserve the break. So give it to them.

Robert

12/23/2014 01:04:19 pm

Thank you Kevin. I'm sorry you had to go through this with your loved ones. It can take a great toll - especially on those living the front lines in caring for people with dementia. I appreciate you sharing your story.

All best wishes for the holidays.

Dementia - Death by Subtraction

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